Writes Neruda, no less. I just feel like reciting this poem tonight, although I'm not exactly sad. As I try to figure out how I really feel tonight, I am reminded of a part in Kundera's novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, wherein he tries to define vertigo. The dictionary defines it as a condition in which one feels dizzy or disoriented, especially when looking down from a great height. Or simply, the fear of falling. However, Kundera insisted that vertigo is somewhat more complex than that. He said it's actually the fear of wanting to fall.
To quote the Hedonist, "Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.”
This is best thing I could come up with in my desire to express how I feel tonight, although I wish to personalize. I do not have this longing to fall; intead, I feel this hunger to be lonely, to be sad, to bask in my solitude which I find delicious. I know it sounds un-poetic but the word must really be delicious. I do not like to betray my Muse.
I am, in a way, suffering from vertigo. I would love to take that fall. I am not afraid of tumbling down, breaking some bones or even dying. But I do fear this desire. It somehow tells me that maybe, I have gotten really crazy.
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