Promises, Promises

After watching John Carter on Star Movies, I now desperately want to be in another planet, preferrably somewhere without politics or kingdoms fighting for full reign. But this is really because tomorrow's Monday and two days of rest and leisure will never be enough to provide a satisfying escape from stress.

Today, I tried to overcome myself and won. I woke up early to go to church, something I haven't done in months. In one of my previous posts, I made mention of a covenant that I broke some four years ago. I made that covenant in that church. And you know what people say about getting lost, you always have to go back where it all started.

I made a promise to God, you see. I prayed about this man I had been in love with since my geeky high school days. I told God that if only He could make this man love me back, I would love him for the rest of my life. You have to understand that at that moment, I have never been so sure about anything in my entire life. I frequented this place countless times, always praying for the same thing. After a year, God answered. It was a yes. What I thought was an impossibility, happened for real. Just like in the movies. And just as I had promised, I did my best to love this man in the best way I know how. He, in turn, learned to love me as much I loved him. I would like to write that we lived happily ever after.

However, he left. And when he did, I realized that I had allowed my life to revolve around him and us too much that I didn't know what to do with myself after he was gone. I felt as if something inside me died. I was mourning for someone who was still alive, but some five continents too far. I struggled to get used to his absence. I thought it was going to work. I wanted it to.

I guess subconsciously I was lonely. And I failed to recognize that. Or even dared admit. He was doing his best to keep in touch, but for me, it just wasn't enough. That had been my mistake. Nothing was ever enough for me. I was always looking for something I couldn't quite figure out, as if the world was always depriving me of something. So I broke my promise. And after that, nothing in my life was ever the same again. Even I wasn't quite the person I used to be.

I guess some people just grow apart, either by choice, circumstances or force. I don't know which one of these hit me. Perhaps all three. The bottomline is that I hurt him. Since then, I have never loved anybody else with all of me. Not with the same passion, intensity or naivety. He was my first love, after all. I guess that's the thing with first love, everybody else falls to being second best, even if you actually end up with them.

So do I regret what I did in the past? Yes and no. I wish I didn't have to hurt him. But I also wouldn't want to change a thing. I believe all those choices I made, even those that I'm not proud of, led me to this. All of them happened necessarily because I needed to be here, and he needed to be there. I needed to be who I now am and he needed to be who he is now.  Just as Eve had to bite that fruit. It may be her fault, but nothing else could have put the universe in motion. It had to be done.

I still take responsibility for what I did. My guilt is deeply rooted. It's like a heavy chain that I carry around my feet as I try to move forward. This is why I refuse to get married. I know it's never going to work out with anybody else.

Today, I started to make ammends. I told God that in exchange for the promise that  I dared break, I am choosing the path of least resistance. I wouldn't make a move. I would let him guide me. He could take me anywhere he wants me to be. If I am meant to be alone forever, so be it. I suck at making my own decisions, I know that now. This time, His will be done.