Lately, I have been swimming in this sea of negativity. Normally, it only happens on the days of my period, when my hormones are at the peak of their bitchiness. It is so easy to hate, specially when blood is trickling out of you like urine. But most of all, it is so easy to hate if that's been who you are all along. Repulsive. Revengeful. And both these words start with an R which, incidentally, is the first letter of my name. Interesting.
I always try my best to turn a blind eye or even run away from things that will put me on hate mode. However, it always seems to know where I hide. And believe me, it requires great strength not to transform from a domesticated cat to a lion in the wild.
The thing about hate is that it always starts with the smallest, most mundane events. It does not necessarily calls for murder, abuse, or anything on an evil scale. Sometimes, it can be as simple as seeing a mess in the bathroom that you just cleaned up, a message that was seen but not answered, or someone who thinks you're a cash cow.
I have always struggled to be a good person, and it can be extremely exhausting. I don't even know if I have ever been successful. Why do I try so hard, you ask?
Four years ago, in one of our school seminars, I watched a video of AR Rahman. He won an Oscar for best musical score for the film Slumdog Millionaire in 2009. After accepting his award, this was what he said:
At first, I thought, what does choosing love over hate have to do with success? It sounded like a good Facebook post, but I couldn't make sense of it.
But since then, my mind has always echoed these words. Every time I forgive a friend for making me wait on lunch dates, when I force myself to listen objectively to my superiors when they constructively criticize my work, when I still make an effort to love and accept my husband's family despite knowing that I will forever be under their scrutiny, and when I still greet this person on her birthday even when we're not really in good terms. I would always remember the words of AR Rahman, and in those moments, I would understand.
Choosing love will not make me successful or win an Oscar like Rahman, but it is a success in itself. I think when I choose not to hate, I win over myself. And as it benefits the people around me, it transforms me into a positive force that ripples until it reaches and influences another person to love more and hate less.
It's incredible, when you think of it, but it's true. Our choices have implications that are larger than ourselves. If Rahman chose hate, I wouldn't be inspired to try my best to love. I would wallow in my hatred for this doomed world full of assholes. But here is one man who made a difference, by simply saying what he chose.
I am hoping that one day, I, too, can be a living proof that choosing love does get you somewhere. That this road does not lead to heartaches alone, but to a life with meaning and purpose.
