If there's one thing that I learned today, it is the fact that inspiration is not only found everywhere, it is also a choice.
You see, I've been struggling with my new position as head of a department since the start of the school year. Many people would get the notion that getting promoted is something to be happy about. It is. But what they fail to realize is the bulk of work that lurks behind the prestige.
For years, I have been performing well in the academe because I only have myself to think about. I have always been good in managing my tasks because I know myself well and I am my own worst professional critic. But how do you apply these to your colleagues, let alone people who have more experience than you have? I remember not having any time or desire to celebrate my success when all of a sudden they plucked me out of a zone that I had given my darnest to master and placed me in a completely different arena. I felt like a featherweight boxer who was suddenly forced to fight in another weight class. I was completely clueless.
Instead of giving me a boost in confidence, my promotion has done the reverse. It crushed my will and self- esteem. I didn't think I was good enough or ready for anything like it. I doubted myself many times that I could not even recognize my own strengths anymore. I was thinking that there must be some kind of mistake or lapse in judgment. I was not fit to lead. I was too insecure.
I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the many things that I have to do for the day. I worried about problems that did not even exist yet. My health suffered a lot and I lost my appetite for food. My weight dropped to an alarming scale. I had dandruff and pimples started to infest my face again. It was a total neglect of self, because all I really cared about was how to handle this job well.
All of these have ruined me until today. Just this afternoon, I had this awakening. I was so tired of dreading every workday and seeing my workplace as a hellhole. I was so tired of getting stressed out, feeling uninspired and demotivated. I just made a choice to stop being the victim of a nightmare that I had intricately woven inside my head. Nobody else could rescue me but me. I know that now.
For weeks, I have been going on a pilgrimage at a prayer house in Tagaytay. One of the things I asked of God was to bring back my passion for work. I realized that inspiration is not something you wait for, just as you wait for the sun to come out on a rainy day. It is a condition that you place yourself into. It is a dream you chase. It is a work you decide to do.
This reminds me of my favorite passage in the Bible about love. In 1st Corinthians Chapter13, it says that you can do all the good things in the world but any action done devoid of love amounts to nothing. I say inspiration is ignited when you learn to love what you do.
So starting today, I am taking control of my life. I recognize that wherever I am right now is exactly where God wants me to be.
