I spent almost half an hour trying to recover my password for this account because I badly wanted to write, only to stare blankly at the cursor as soon as I got in, wordless, bored and sleep-deprived.
It's now thirty minutes past midnight and here I am inside an internet cafe on Blue Street, waiting for 6 a.m. Yes, you can sleep in some internet cafes in Japan because they have these private cubicles with a reclining chair or couch where you could stay for up to 12 hours. I know. They're cool that way. I definitely like this country better than the United States.
My husband has shore patrol every 6 days and that means he won't be home for the night. Well, I am not usually a scaredy cat but the thing is we just moved into a new apartment in a newly constructed building where there are no other dwellers besides us. I like being alone, but being the only person in the entire building is a different story. I am, after all, a fan of Criminal Minds.
I do not want to be an inspiration for the next episode.
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It's funny how some people think this life is perfect. Just because. Just because.
I acknowledge with gratitude all that God has blessed me with. This life, after all, has always been between Him and me. It has always been our work in progress. The happy moments that I am relishing at the moment are nothing but the result of not giving in whenever life tries to uproot me with its storms. I am not lucky. I would like to tell the people, who think that I am, that I had to fight through the darkest moments of my life, with gritted teeth, just to get to where I am. I earned my good days and so I am proud of them.
Seven months ago, I was a ghostly person who had to pretend to be okay most of the time, even when I was really fucked up to the core. That kind of loneliness was beyond words. It was like a thousand wriggling worms that just couldn't wait till you're dead to eat you up.
I told my husband that if I could be a Disney princess, I wanted to be Snow White or Sleeping Beauty and just sleep off the worst. I wanted to wake up and find myself on the other side.
I remember getting tagged in pictures of my family's weekend dates and thinking that I used to be in them and wondering why I ever gave up that life. I would sob shamelessly, and feel so alone and so trapped in a nightmare of my own doing.
I worked harder, because the busier I got, the better I was able to cope with my depression. I used to walk two miles every day going to work, because I don't know how to drive. By the time I get home, I would reek of weed from those bastards who smoke before they get in the bus. I would climb on the bed, exhausted and fed up.
Those were the moments when I felt that I had nothing. And when you reach that point, that emptiness, that's when you'd know that God is enough. For a while, perhaps in my desperation, I kept asking Him to do something miraculous to get me out of my misery. You know, things like,
speeding up the green card process so I could finally be with my husband. But I guess He doesn't work that way. I mean, if He did, there would probably be fewer stations of the cross. What He did, instead, was walk with me in my darkest hours. I knew that I didn't have anything, but somehow, I was carried through. I was taken care of. How would you explain that? I have no words.
So I say, it has always been Him and me in this life. And I will still be happy if it were just me and Him. It is also for this reason that I will not allow myself to be guilty of being happy.
It is something that God has won for me. I don't mind wearing it for everybody else to see.
