Happy Anniversary

"I've spent half my life loving the woman who's now my wife. I've loved her since she was eighteen, still very clingy and demanding. She used to get mad at me for not texting and for not exerting effort in showing my love for her. Even then she was already very complicated. But I loved her.

When we migrated to the States, things got ugly between us. She broke up with me. She fell in love with other men. I suffered all throughout the whole thing. But even as I lost hope, I waited. Because right then, at the worst time of my life, that's when I loved her best.

Most incredibly, after four long years of waiting, she came back. I couldn't bear to lose her again so I did not waste any time. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. That was the happiest I've felt in years. It took a while for all of it to sink in. Until now, I still get those moments when it seems surreal.

Unfortunately, after our wedding, I needed to go back to work. I had to leave my wife even if God knows I didn't want to. I want to give her a good life. A life she deserves. Now she feels stuck in a place without the things that used to make her feel alive. Every day, she cries about how unhappy she is, how her situation is sucking the life out of her. And I feel really really guilty because I feel like I've ripped her off the very thing I've promised to give her all days of our married life--happiness. Worse, I couldn't do anything about it.

I immediately took a ten-day leave for the holidays, because I know my wife will be very happy if I got to spend Christmas with her. But that was all I could give her for now. Ten days. It felt great to see my wife smiling again and laughing. That's how I always want her to be whenever she's with me. That's my happiness right there.

She still has not received her green card until now, so she couldn't come to Japan with me. As much as it breaks my heart, I had to leave her again. I told her to just hang in there for a few months more, because after that, we'd be able to start a normal life as a married couple.

A few days after I left, my wife started to feel miserable again. She's becoming even more sensitive.
She told me she got frustrated when none of the temporary jobs she applied for has called her yet. My wife is the kind of woman who feels useless without a job. She hates having to depend on me financially, even if I tell her that my money is also her money. She only ever shuts up when I say she can pay me back later on. She promised she will. My pathetic, stubborn wife. Her ego surely is bigger than a man's.

Now she's crying again, and I'm going crazy. I think she sort of blames me for what's happening with her life right now, even if she says she doesn't. If she only knows how painful it is for me, too, to see her wilting away like that and I feel responsible for it. I feel like I've failed her as a husband even though I've tried my hardest make her feel better. I wish I could do more. I really wish I could.

I told her she can go home for a while when she gets her green card. I know she's dying to spend time with her family. She talked me out of it because she said it's too costly. I told her I don't mind going bankrupt if that's what it takes to put her out of her misery. I'd do anything to make her happy. Heck, I'd do anything for my wife.

I just hope she knows this."

You know I'm not even sure if this is close to what my husband is really thinking. For all we know, the only thing in his mind right now might be that he married an egotistic bitch who's a more of a potential lifetime pain in the ass than a reliable partner in life.

But even though I can't validate his thoughts, I surely can prove mine. So in my point of view, let me tell you about what my husband is like.

At night, when we're already under the sheets, he would nudge me and say, "Honey, let's pray. You lead the prayer." I will pray like I used to pray at night but audibly. Then we'd look up at each other and both our eyes are glassy. We know we're together because God willed it.

For Christmas, my husband bought the books that I requested, the makeup set of the cosmetic brand I follow on Instagram, my favorite chocolate in the world, the clothes that I secretly wanted but wouldn't buy because I don't want him to spend. I bet he lost a grand on the roundtrip ticket going here to spend the holidays with me. When I tell him to stop spoiling me, he'd turn to me and squeal, "I'm rich, beach!" in a "break it down, yo" tone. And we'd both laugh out loud. In turn, I'd tell him, "Then I'm gonna make you so broke, beach!" Then we'd laugh some more.

I told him I'll take care of our grocery expenses in Japan when I get a job and he just says, "Sure." Because he knows I need it to stroke my pride. My husband's cool that way. He doesn't mind that his wife is crazy.

I remember when my parents were not able to attend my wedding. I was so mad and I blamed him a lot for not doing more. It was me at my worst evil witch mode. Even my sisters were apalled when they learned about the mean things I said to him. But then my husband? I'm not sure if any kind of hate ever grows in his heart. He never threw any word to hurt me back. There must be a thousand things going on in his mind at that point, but he never let them out. That's how my husband is. Inside him, there is more goodness than anything.

I can't even understand how he can tolerate this child I am annoyed with. Or this girl who I couldn't stand. He sees the good in everyone and I can only be amazed. Don't know how he does it, really.

I know my husband feels that he constantly fails me. But what he doesn't know is that with him, I have already found what others could only dream about: a man who puts his woman first before himself. How often do you encounter such a man? I honestly thought they went extinct, like the dinosaurs.

He's an answered prayer, I know it. Because when I prayed to God in that prayer house in Tagaytay, I had been specific. I haven't told my husband this, but when I was walking down the aisle on our wedding, I had a deja vu moment. I felt like I was meant to do it all along, like I was finally doing my part in the story. I even imagined hundreds of angels behind me, pushing me forward, telling me not to worry even when my family was not with me, because I was doing what God has planned for us a long time ago. I felt at that moment, just this once I had it right.

So I would like to tell my husband that I married a great man, that I sometimes think he doesn't deserve a wench like me, so I am very thankful. I know he's going to be a good father someday, maybe even a better parent than I will ever be. He's a very patient and loving person. I hope our children get his brains, be Math wizards when they grow up. And his eyes, too.

Maybe he has no idea, but beneath this rubble of pride and ego, I love him more than anything else.