Dementia

The truth is that I am coward.

I was born in the year of the Dragon and under the star sign Leo, beasts that supposedly roar and breathe fire of blazing courage, but I don't think I got any of it. That or the fact that I am not really a fan of horoscopes.

 Bullshit aside, I always try to run away from things that I am afraid of. But don't we all at some point? I remember seeing this Nat Geo commercial that shows a man balancing himself on a thin rope about a hundred kilometers from the ground. And it says, "Stare death in the face." Immediately it sounds so darn exciting and appealing to me. So I told myself that from then on I am going to stare death in the face at any given situation, and I would not be afraid. Death is not fearsome; it is rather comforting. Just imagine being able to answer all of life's questions right after you die.

But of course when you realize something this great, Life, as always, would happen. It does get jealous. And when life happens to you, you would immediately understand that real courage does not show itself when you defy death. It does when you dare to live.

And with this I came to the conclusion that I am, indeed, a coward.

I post pictures of my adventures and brag about my freedom but the truth is that I am so scared. I am not even free. I can't even say how I feel to somebody I care about because that means I'm going to have to break his heart. I don't even want to go back to work because that means I'm going to have to face my new responsibilities as an amateur leader. I can't even be happy about my promotion. I am too scared to mess up everything I've worked so hard for.

That is my problem. I now have everything I have ever wanted. And all I could think of is how I could get rid of them.