I like the title. It's so cool I want to say don't read this entry, which is mostly just a pile of shit, and just stare at the title.
Don't say you weren't warned.
I dropped the bomb. And this is more literal than figurative. I say this because when someone breaks your heart, it's reminiscent of the American bombing in Hiroshima. It's like something just exploded inside you. The only difference is that the damage is cunning, because the explosion is silent and everybody thinks you're what you say you are. "Fine."
Having said that, a broken heart seems like a good way to die. That is until YOU actually break a heart.
Everybody thinks breaking someone's heart is like scraping some leftovers for your dog to eat. Like hell it is. You want to know what's worse than suffering? Guilt.
Guilt is a parasite. It crawls inside your head and gnaws at your brain. It feeds on the horror that you have been the source of another person's unhappiness. You are the bad guy. Or girl, in my case. The one everybody loves to hate because you've ruined someone's life, regardless of how fast he bounces back. At every bite, guilt grows rapidly into a fat two-fanged monster and it makes you feel heavy inside. Nobody understands that. They don't know how a half-hearted laugh sounds like. Because the worst thing about guilt is the thought that because of what you did, you don't deserve to be happy.
I told my friends that if I could turn it all upside down, I'd do it. I'd rather be the one who gets hurt, because then I'd have every right to move on, be happy and show that motherfucker what he had just lost. But no, I was that motherfucker. So how do you move on from that?
That afternoon, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I could not even cry. I was just...calm. And I hated it. I was worse that Iron Man, because at least there was a person inside that suit. In my case, there was a machine inside this body. Heartless. I didn't cry. I felt sad. And that was worse. I realized that sadness is a war that the soul wages, the way pain is a battle that the body must overcome. I didn't shed any tear at all. But my soul...It was shattered.
It was my choice. If I could play it back I still would've done the same thing. I am now free as a bird. This is what I wanted. Single again after what seems to be ages. I finally got to breathe some fresh air.
I hear you, guilt is I'll say a human nature, you can't get away from it. But that shouldn't hinder you from what you want to achieve/goals in life.
ReplyDeleteFew years back, my ex-fiance suddenly broke up with me, without a warning. I wouldn't say I was the perfect person for her, but I loved that lady so much, 'til today. We've been exchanging mails and phone calls every once in a while to say hi/hello, she kept saying that she couldn't take over the guilt for what she's done, but on my part, I didn't really get mad or upset about it, of course I was so devastated, but I just couldn't get mad at her, I told her to just keep moving forward, and she shouldn't be guilty, at least she get to do what she wanted by herself.
I'm actually proud of her, but in your case, guilt will really get into you, but if your boyfriend loves you so much, he will ignore the drama, and try to minimize the guilt you're suffering from. Just like what I did. He should know better than anybody else.